So many of us spend years dreaming, planning and hoping to find \u201cthe one\u201d. You know, the one person out there that must be perfect for us and make all our hopes and dreams come true. But what if there is no such thing as \u201cthe one\u201d? What if we\u2019ve watched too many Nicholas Sparks movies? (The Notebook is my favorite. No shame!) What if the Bible doesn\u2019t talk much about God having \u201cthe one\u201d for us?<\/p>\n
\n“DON’T TRY TO FIND THE ONE, WORK ON YOURSELF TO BECOME THE ONE.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Here\u2019s the truth of the matter, if you go to the scriptures, you\u2019ll be hard pressed to find the concept of \u201cthe one\u201d. But what will be obvious and much more frequent is all the admonitions for us to walk in the light and truth. In short, the Bible\u2019s message to us on this issue is clear \u2013 don\u2019t try to find the one, work on yourself to become the one. Because how we live today, and what we believe today, will certainly affect our tomorrow.<\/p>\n
And there\u2019s a couple main reasons I think looking for \u201cthe one\u201d can actually be a damaging or hurtful concept.<\/p>\n
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- It will crush the other person. When we say there is \u201cthe one\u201d out there for us a lot of us subtly believe that means there is one person who will make our lives easier. Someone who will take away our pain,\u00a0that will meet my insufficiency. Newsflash, that person has already showed up and his name is Jesus (except for the making our lives easier part. He doesn\u2019t promise that). Here\u2019s what happens when we believe there is this one person out there for us \u2013 \u00a0that picture and ideal actually starts to completely crush the person we are dating and married to. They feel like they are struggling under a weight of expectation that they simply can\u2019t bear, and frankly, they weren\u2019t meant to.<\/li>\n
- It tempts you to quit the relationship sooner. I\u2019ve seen this one happen in marriage a lot. Someone will get divorced and say something along the lines of, \u201cWell they just weren\u2019t the one for me. I finally found that person in my second spouse.\u201d It subtly allows us to think that the pursuit of the one can allow us to live in ways that we wouldn\u2019t normally do. It justifies our decisions and makes us slaves to our feelings and emotions, not the covenant we made with that person at the altar.<\/li>\n
- It turns your focus from you to them. Like I mentioned in the beginning, the temptation when you are pursuing the one is to look for the person who will make your life easier and not expose all your junk. But instead, we are called to deal with our junk right now in Jesus and by His grace,\u00a0<\/em>so we don\u2019t unhealthily bring it into our next relationship. Working on being the one instead of trying to find the one makes a world of difference.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
I\u2019ll end with one last thing, and this is usually true of most issues in scripture \u2013 there are exceptions or tensions throughout. At the end of the day, I do think God knows who you will marry. And there are folks who would be better than others. But the way Alyssa and I like to say it is, we could’ve married anyone. We could’ve made it work with anyone. Now is that unromantic? Sure, if you\u2019re idea of romances comes from Disney instead of the Bible. But it\u2019s true. Why? Because marriage is primarily held together by the covenant and the promise, not the feelings or concepts of \u201cthe one.\u201d But I also still technically say Alyssa, as my wife, is \u201cthe one.\u201d How do I know? Because her name is on the marriage certificate. She\u2019s the one I promised my life to and that makes her the one.<\/p>\n
PS:\u00a0if there was only \u2018one\u2019 person out there for everyone, then think about what would happen if one person thousands of years ago messed up and married the wrong person. If they didn\u2019t marry their \u201cone\u201d person. That alone would cause a ripple and mess it up for everyone all the way down the line, because the person they married was someone else\u2019s one and so on and so on.<\/p>\n
So, don’t go looking for the one, try to become the one. And when that happens, and you start resting in God\u2019s grace and understanding what the covenant of promise means, you can make it work with anyone and tell the divine drama of God and man through the lens of your relationship, and that\u2019s good news.<\/p>\n