It is so important to let kids know that we value their feelings. This improves their sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Dr. Fay clearly remembers one of the many times his dad, Jim, showed that he valued Dr. Fay\u2019s feelings, and it really stuck with him: \u201cI was just 10 years old at the time, and our family was having dinner with Dr. Cline who lived nearby. My dad and Dr. Cline were grousing about how their teachings about limits and accountability only worked in half the kids. They couldn\u2019t figure out why the same strategies didn\u2019t work for the other half of the kids, who basically ended up just disliking their parents more than they already did. All of a sudden, they turned to me and asked, \u2018What do you think, Charles?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2018Who, me?\u201d I asked. I didn\u2019t have an answer for them, but the fact that these two grown men with decades of experience wanted my input made me feel special.\u201d<\/p>\n
They eventually found the solution they were seeking, and in part, it came from observing the actions of a woman who worked in the school administration office. Mrs. MacLaughlin was a strong but loving woman who was the first person students visited when they had an \u201cemergency\u201d like a forgotten lunch, lost coat, scraped knee, or a hassle with another student. Students in that school believed that all such \u201ccrises\u201d required a quick rescue call to one or both of their parents\u2014and these were the days before cell phones.<\/p>\n
As they begged to use the office phone, Mrs. MacLaughlin would smile sweetly, look into their eyes as if they were the most precious thing on earth, and say, \u201cOh honey, what happened?\u201d The kids would describe the problem, she\u2019d listen with great interest, and then she\u2019d respond with empathy by saying:<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that\u2019s gotta feel so bad. It\u2019s never any fun to have a problem like that. It\u2019s sad, but I can only let you use the phone if there is an emergency. If any kid can handle this, though, you certainly can.\u201d<\/p>\n
The kids generally figured out how to solve their problems on their own without using the phone, leaving them full of self-confidence and love for Mrs. MacLaughlin. Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline soon discovered the key to making the Love and Logic approach really work: empathy.6 Mrs. Mac always provided a strong dose of this magic before she set a limit or held a student accountable for their actions. This showed the students that she valued their feelings.<\/p>\n
Empathy opens a child\u2019s heart and mind to learning, whereas anger shuts the door on learning and relationship.<\/p>\n
Anger vs. the Power of Empathy<\/strong><\/p>\n Empathy, when done correctly, sends a message of love and competence. Some parents think that raising their voice or unleashing ultimatums is the way to get kids to toe the line. It might scare kids into submission, but it comes at a price. Kids whose parents routinely lose their temper or yell at them are vulnerable to a host of consequences that rob mental strength, including:<\/p>\n Feeling stressed, which has negative implications for brain development<\/p>\n Blaming themselves for whatever is making their parent mad<\/p>\n Responding to a parent\u2019s anger with aggressive behavior<\/p>\n Having trouble sleeping<\/p>\n Physical ailments, such as stomachaches<\/p>\n Increased risk for mental health issues later in life<\/p>\n Even more concerning, harsh parenting practices also negatively impact how the brain develops and how it functions. A 2021 study found that frequently yelling or getting angry at children is associated with children having a smaller brain in adolescence.7 When it comes to the brain, size matters.<\/p>\n\n\t\t