The first time I encountered Jesus face-to-face was in the middle of a run. Running had become my escape. I was running and crying and talking to him. I knew I couldn\u2019t live any real life in the tension of an affair. It was too dissonant. This life wasn\u2019t me; it was deceptive and disgusting. Except it was me. I felt trapped and didn\u2019t know how to get out. I knew the level of ruin I was looking at. Something stopped me right there on the sidewalk. I fell to my knees and said, \u201cGet me out. However you need to. Break me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Break me.<\/p>\n
Those words had bounced around in my head for weeks. I knew they had been planted there by the Holy Spirit. I had a sense that they were serious, that I should not say them lightly. I knew they somehow signaled that I was ready for his plan and his way of busting in to come get me. Sounded scary. And ugly. And out of my control.<\/p>\n
My first \u201cyes\u201d to Jesus in years was in those two little words. Two weeks after I dared say them out loud, a chain of events went down that led to my confession. I went home one day and told my husband about the affair. The relationship was also exposed around that time at work. I knew God was behind it all. I knew the crash was coming before it came. I knew it when I said those words to God. As painful as it was, I had a strange certainty it was part of something that had to be done. And I was right. The old foundation just wasn\u2019t strong enough.<\/p>\n
The weeks that followed were terrible. I felt more guilt, pain, hopelessness, and fear than I thought one person could take. I couldn\u2019t eat. The only peace I had was the split second as I opened my eyes each morning before my reality all came crashing down on me again. For months after, I wondered daily if my husband would even come home. I was a pariah at work. The \u201chouse\u201d I thought I was building was in a heap at my feet.<\/p>\n
But the God I encountered in that time changed my whole life. In my worst and weakest moment, I found something much, much stronger, kinder, and better to stand on. I found the truth, compassion, and power of a living God who can hold up any life and rebuild after any fall. The first act of kindness was a vision I had one night while lying in bed. Alone. While I was wondering if \u201calone\u201d would be my new normal, I felt God\u2019s arms around me. I saw a picture\u2014sort of like a daydream\u2014of two long, welcoming, strong, warm arms reaching down and encircling my entire home. Not just for me but for my husband, who was sleeping in the room next to mine. I felt warm and held and, for a moment, I knew he was there.<\/p>\n
I caught another glimpse of this God in the mirror one day. I paused, studying my own reflection. I told her the ugly truth: \u201cAlli, you\u2019re a liar, a terrible friend, a dishonest employee, and the worst wife.\u201d I stood looking in the mirror, sobbing at the truth of it all. But something else happened. Right there, in the painful truth of that confession, I also felt a rush of reassurance and relief that I didn\u2019t have to hold myself an inch above collapse anymore. I could let go and trust him instead of myself to hold it all together. I also felt his promise that one day I wouldn\u2019t even recognize this person I saw in the mirror. I knew deep down she wasn\u2019t me anyway.<\/p>\n\n\t\t